An ode to Monster Energy
Mar 10, 2022

Monster Energy is as close to battery acid as a drink will ever get. Even the can it comes in screams raw electricity, like they harnessed the power of a bunch of Energizer double-A batteries and stuffed it into a can for your convenient consumption. Once you finally crack the top open, the stuff that comes out resembles a weird green toxic sludge. It's the last thing any sane person would put in their body, and yet I do it every time without a second thought. Why is that?

Well, the first sip hits harder than any beverage I've tried before. It tries to resemble at least somewhat like green apple, hence the green branding on the can, but with the amount of vitamins, caffeine, and sugar they pack into it, it ends up punching you in the face with a flavor so pungent you have to psych yourself out again to take another sip. And another sip you take. And another. And another, until you finally get to the bottom and wish you bought one of the big ones with the cool resealable metal caps on them. It has no business being this addictive — sometimes, I don't even want the caffeine, I just want the taste.

But for all the praise Monster gets, it gets just as much scrutiny. Many berate the drink for its high sugar content, excess of caffeine, and tons of vitamins that do nothing but serve as marketing fodder, and they're probably right — it does have 54 grams of sugar and two cups of coffee's worth of caffeine. Monster isn't trying to be healthy, though. It isn't trying to be a replacement for your cup of coffee in the morning, and it isn't trying to be an every-day drink. Instead, Monster is the crutch you fall back on when you need to pull an all-nighter for school, or when you promised your swim coach you’ll beat your PB this meet. When you take a sip, you don’t care about the heaps of sugar or the vitamins that are 200% of your daily intake — all you care about is the surprisingly addictive vaguely-green apple taste and the burst of energy that makes your heart palpitate like you’re at death’s door. And isn’t that exactly what Monster is meant to be?